Sunday, August 24, 2014

the middle place


I grew up in the middle,
 amongst a gaggle of girls.
Two on either side.
Seemingly always the odd person out.
Always searching for balance.
A place to fit in,
a place to belong.
Over time I grew to love my place card in life.
I learned to go either way,
which ever "side" needed an extra pull or push,
hug, or just a companion,
I was the fill-in or the finishing touch.

Its hard to know where to start this story.
The other day I had a little mini cry fest.
That ever happen to you?
 The day started off innocently enough.
Me going through my to do list.
Trying to plan the day and get some stuff done
while keeping the kids busy.
And by busy
 I really mean
not fighting with each other,
yet still expending energy.
You get my drift.
I'm going through the list in my head one minute.
Then all of a sudden I'm in a full on ugly cry.
I was thinking of things to do for a friend.
She recently lost her father.
Three weeks later her sister passed away.
Both from cancer.
I was thinking of her, praying for her.
Then I thought of another dear friend
who lost both of her parents
within a few weeks of each other recently.
{{{{hugs to you R.}}}}
Lifting her and her family up in my prayers
I thought of another dear peep...
her close friend came as close to dying
as nobody our age should
after complications post-surgery.
 I'm standing there in the shower
asking myself,
and probably God too,
why?
what in the world is going on?
And it hit me.
We're in the middle now.
This is what happens in the middle place of life.

We're not kids anymore.
We're not young adults just learning our way.
Like when you go off to college,
not knowing what to expect.
You feel your way through,
you get in your groove.
You graduate,
look for a job.
You get an offer.
Someone gives you a shot.
Can you do it, you wonder?
Of course you can.
You go for it.
You live.
If you're lucky you love.
You grow.
You approach the middle.

 
quote box made on quozio.com


We've seen a lot on way to middle age.
I'm in my forties now.
Soon to be 44.
Yeah, I said it. :)
Like most women my age
I've learned a few things about life.
I wouldn't go back in time to be twenty again.
No thanks.
I learned a lot but I'm glad that decade is over.
Thankful for its lessons but happy to move on.
I like where I'm at.
But man its a scary place to be too.
I'm scared and fearless at the same time.
I love it and I hate it at the same time.
Its funny.
Last weekend Jerry Seinfeld came to H-town.
He did this bit in his act about how the terms
"sucks" and "great"
are really the same thing.
One in the same.
I didn't think about it
until this particular day
but I think I agree.
This middle place in life sucks.
And yet its great.
 You become less tolerant for all the bs in life.
The stuff that really doesn't matter.
You try learn to accept yourself,
sagging skin, stretch marks, cellulite and all.
I look at them like combat wounds
{no offense to any service person}
in the battlefield that is life.
These scars are me, they mean something.
Like a slash on a calendar that says the day was done,
my scars clock memories,
both good and bad.
I'll take every one.
In the middle you decide mean people suck.
 there's no room in your life for them.
Negativity, the door is over there.
See your way out.
You celebrate your accomplishments,
your acts of bravery and determination.
You love your kids,
your partner,
and your friends
with a fierceness,
a protectiveness
I would defy anyone to challenge.
The middle, to me, is also
where you learn to love yourself.
You basically become superwoman...
you know now that you'd rather
try something
than do nothing,
fears be damned.
You're doing it all,
you're kicking butt in life.
And yet things start happen at this stage.
Not that they don't before, but now...
in the middle,
things come more rapidly.
Because of time.
Because of timing.
 
 
You're working it, life.
You're learning, growing, with every year.
You feel like you're finally starting
to understand this world.
Life as we humans know it.
Then something happens.
Maybe to you,
maybe to someone you love.
Illness, divorce, death.
Its not so carefree any more.
You know this is what happens in life.
You know but you still ask why.
Lives are lived.
Some short, others long.
People leave.
Some are spared to wander further down the road.
Some don't come back.
The world never stops...you have to keep going with it.
Yes.
The middle is where is gets real.
This is where I am.
The middle sucks.
The middle is beyond great.
I'm scared.
I'm fearless.


 
 

5 comments :

  1. Nancy, I love this and could not agree more (I just turned 46). These are the things that truly do start going through your head after age 40. Things that while you knew about them before, are all the more real, if that makes sense. Thanks for posting this. After all, we are all in this crazy world together.

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  2. I love this Nancy. I am the 3rd of 4 girls and am in my 50's now. I think for sure that being in the middle certainly makes you a peace maker and you are right, able to go with the flow a little more. Loving this stage in life - a wife, mother and grandmother…it's a good one!

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  3. Love this Nancy. Nothing like a good cry to become renewed. Have a great week!

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  4. how elequently said nancy....you spoke from your heart and i love that! thank you for speaking your truth!

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  5. I was a middle too. Sandwiched between two sisters. And I used to be in the middle (aged) where you are... I agree it was a hard place to be - things started getting REAL. Now I think I am ... where? Not over the hill yet but more and more friends my age dying (the hard part)... yet more comfortable in my skin (wouldn't trade that for anything). I think it just keeps getting better ...YOU are such a great WRITER!

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