Monday, January 5, 2015

letting it go

I'm thankful for the lessons I learned throughout last year.
Some were bittersweet and hard to swallow.
In fact my heart still hurts from some.
Others are helping my heart to heal.
Let's start with that one.
 
I've mentioned my sweet daddy-o a bunch of times here.
I don't think I've mentioned my mom.
I love my mom but I have issues with her.
You know how you grow up thinking
you want to be different from your parents?
At least that's what I thought about some of their ways.
Funny thing is, the older I get, the more I realize
I'm so much like my parents its ridiculous.
I say things to my kids and then
I stop in internal shock and think
"um, I think you just turned into your mother."
Has that happened to you?
Back to the point.
I've been mad at her, more like disappointed in her,
for a long time, way too long in fact.
Something she said one day hit me in the heart
and bam! I was done.
My heart slammed like a screen door.
Good or bad, right or wrong,
I've held onto that anger and disappointment since.
I've talked to her about it,
tried to anyway.
When that failed
I acted like a teenager towards her,
then cried a river about it all.
I'm sure I've handled it all wrong.
I'm not proud to admit that.
Lately I have just let it sit.
Really I continuously prayed about it and tried to let it go.
This is what I've come up with.
Lesson one: you can't change people.
You can only change yourself and your reactions to people.
There was no malice in what my mom said.
I get that she was worried about me as my parent.
I get how it could have happened.
The longer I'm a parent
 the more I recognize my mom and dad in myself,
the things I say,
the way I react to things.
The more I see it, the more I fear the mistakes
I KNOW
I'm making with my kids sometimes.
{I need to win the lottery so I can help with their future therapy bills.}
I hope they can forgive me of my faults,
my shortcomings, my mishandlings of situations
just as I need to get over my feelings towards my mom.
How can one ask for forgiveness when they themselves cannot forgive?
Truth is you can't.
I'm not proud that I was mad for so long.
Maybe mad isn't the right word.
Hurt.
Maybe that's a better word.
?

Here's another thing I've recognized in my life.
The things I get so mad at...I'm usually just as guilty of doing myself.
Like when your kid throws a tantrum and won't stop and you get upset?
It can be a cycle of sorts.
Anybody else?

I know above all that my parents truly did their best.
They worked so hard every single day, in and outside the house.
Raising five kids cannot be easy.
Or cheap.
We never lacked for anything
even though
money sometimes was lacking.
I've thought about that a lot recently,
with all the gift buying going on,
as to how it must've been for my parents
to pull that off for a family of seven.
They did their best.
I believe that wholeheartedly.
Who could ask for anything more really?
I realize I'm babbling on,
probably oversharing.
Bottom line: I'm trying to say not to hold onto anger.
It really only hurts you.
 
 
 
 I had a couple of friends lose one or both parents over the last year.
One from high school lost his dad right before Christmas.
I think that's when the last flame of anger got extinguished for me.
Anger holds you back from love.
From loving and being loved.
And life is too precious, too short for that.
 


11 comments :

  1. I think you have arrived at a very wise decision to move on. Being disappointed in someone is far different from allowing them to hurt you. The key to what you said was her words had no malice. Some people are just sharp tongued and they don't mean to hurt. The ones who purposely seek to hurt and destroy are the ones to keep away from. Your Mom sounds a bit overbearing, but like she wants good things for you.
    Instead of anger, you will feel more and more peace. And isn't peace a great thing?

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    1. you must know my mom :) ha! peace is absolutely the best thing. so thankful that I feel like I'm finally there. :)

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  2. i believe anger is a silent killer...it gives the other person control over us. i read recently that knowing how hard it is to change yourself...imagine how hard it is to change someone else! you're right, we can't.

    as a typical teenager (eons ago!) my mom and i didn't get along either. i said things to her i'm too ashamed to write down. but thankfully that changed over the years....she was my rock during and after my divorce and we had a lot of good times together traveling and just doing things. now i'm honored to take care of her but even at 94, she still lets me know who's boss! in a sweet way, of course!

    also, after my divorce i had a lot of anger toward my former mother in law. she was the 3rd person in our marriage and a large part of the ending of it. i absolutely hated her....finally i realized how destructive that was for me and prayed that i could let go of that anger. eventually i did (although i still have some days when it wants to rear its ugly head) but i'm at peace with her and all she did to me and my children, her grandchildren. letting go feels good!

    you are taking the right steps in the direction of letting go and having peace about the situation with your mom...i'll pray that comes soon for you.

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    1. hi Judy,

      thanks for sharing your story. I'm happy we're both at a place of peace with our moms. :) hope your daughter and your new grandbaby are doing well :) cant wait to see more pics of that cutie patootie!

      xo,
      nancy

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  3. I lost my dad this year and my mom is very ill...its funny how age softens us and matures us...I also see my parents in my self...I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...have a wonderful 2015!

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    1. {{{hugs}}} i'm sorry for the loss of your dad and for your mom's health issues.i'm very thankful that i'm figuring this all out before something happens to my parents. i hope your son is doing well too :) wishing you a year full of blessings and happiness.

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  4. I can personally identify with this post. Love the last thought. I should make a copy of it and hang it in every room in my house!! Have a great week!

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    1. I've got to keep reminding myself of the same thing :)

      xo,
      nancy

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  5. My dear, your thoughts are true perfection. Wish every member of every family would READ your post.

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    1. thanks for reading and for your kind words :) have a great weekend!

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    2. just saw you live in Lawrenceville! small world,...I did too many moons ago. :)

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